Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Should You Just Be Friends?


Sometimes, even though you would hate to admit it, some friends should never become couples. While each relationship is different and almost all obstacles can be overcome, here are 5 situations in which you might want to consider just being friends.

#1 Your future goals are completely different.Future goals play an important part in any relationship. If you are ambitious and your partner is not, then there may come a time when you realize that there is quite a gulf between you. The experiences of today, shape who you will become tomorrow. With the gulf in ambition, there could come a time when you just grow apart.

#2 You have different core beliefs.Every couple needs to have some basic common points of agreement in order to succeed. These "agreements" could be as simple as you both know you want children, or that you both have similar moral values. While different points of view are often healthy for a relationship, some differences maybe a little too difficult to bridge. If you cannot find workable comprises to these differences, then it would probably be better to just be friends.

#3 Your relationship is purely sexual.While sex is an essential and integral part of any relationship, a relationship built solely on sex is probably not going to go far. When "your place or mine" sums up the extent of your conversation then you really should consider just being friends… with a few benefits here and there.

#4 One of you is more committed than the other.One of the hardest situations to deal with is when one partner is obviously more committed to the relationship than the other. It may be because one loves the other more, or it could be that one of you is just not ready to make a commitment yet. Such situations often cause resentment to build up, probably on both sides. If this is happening to you, consider cooling it for a while until you are both ready for the next step.

#5 You were more loving as friends.A friend of mine once described the relationship between himself and his ex-wife as "great friends that should never have gotten married." That got me thinking and I realized that, with relationships come responsibilities and expectations that are not present between friends. If these added responsibilities and expectations are causing you to spend more time arguing and fighting than loving, then you might want to go back to what was successful for you… just being friends. Remember, deciding whether or not to stay in a relationship is not a decision to be taken lightly and every relationship is different. The chances are, if you are reading this article then you probably are having a few doubts about your relationship. When making your decision, make sure you are not just having a "bad relationship day" and make your decisions for the long term.

The above situations are just some guidelines to help you on your way.

The Steps To Breaking Up


Just the words, break up, indicate a situation riddled with impending pain and loss. Even if both parties involved agree it is in their best interests to part romantic ways, there is still a certain amount of loss attached. The best way to approach a break up is to offer the person, to the best of your ability, a clean and clear separation. While there is no definitive way to do this, hear are a few guidelines that may help you.


#1 - Specific Reasons

Don't let them wonder what went wrong. Give them the exact specific reason why you want to break up. It will give them an opportunity to really evaluate what they've done to contribute to the demise of the relationship, and hopefully apply their knowledge to their next one.


#2 - Where To Do It

If you think they will be terribly upset, try a public place that will afford you some privacy, but will deter your partner from possibly "acting up." If at all possible, try to do it some place you can be alone to really talk things through. Avoid places that contain happy memories from your relationship. You don't want to spoil them.


#3 - How To Do It

While following guideline #1 is important, you also want to make sure you are not damaging their ego either. Make it clear to them that the relationship isn't working for you both because you expect different things from the relationship, or that you've reached a line that you don't feel you can cross back over. Take extra care in your choice of wording, but never lie.


#4 - After The Break Up

Your first meetings after a break up can be strained, at best. If you don't feel you'll be comfortable being around them until your emotions are more under control, try a cold turkey break up. Agree neither of you will have contact with each other for an agreed amount of time. Make sure you agree on the set amount of time during the break up process, or the ideal of remaining friends after may diminish.


Your other option is to try a sliding scale approach. Agree to only call or see each other once or twice a week, and slowly narrow it down from there. Agree not to talk about certain things like wishing you were back together, or whether you are seeing anyone new, etc.

If you must remain in contact with them because of school, work or family it is important to remain mature about the situation. Don't run out and date everyone. Allow your partner some breathing room and time to digest their newly found situation. Also, avoid gossiping about what went wrong. It just makes everything ugly.


#5 - Trial Separation

If you are unsure about wanting a permanent break up, try a trial one instead. To signify your commitment to trying to work things out, arrange an agreed upon dating schedule with your partner, maybe once a week. Arrange for the exact dates and times when you are asking for the separation!Remember, no matter how you do it, or what you say, if you are completely honest with yourself and your partner you both will be able to move on and grow from your experience. Like the common phrase says, "If it was meant to be, it will be."

Friday, December 11, 2009

Friends Become Foes


I hate it when your friends turn into strangers
I hate it when you can no longer recognize your own best friend
I hate it when people around you become indifferent
I hate it. I just hate it.

Monday, December 7, 2009

A Message to Garcia

1899

A Message to Garcia

By Elbert Hubbard


In all this Cuban business there is one man stands out on the horizon of my memory like Mars at perihelion. When war broke out between Spain & the United States, it was very necessary to communicate quickly with the leader of the Insurgents. Garcia was somewhere in the mountain vastness of Cuba- no one knew where. No mail nor telegraph message could reach him. The President must secure his cooperation, and quickly.


What to do!


Some one said to the President, "There’s a fellow by the name of Rowan will find Garcia for you, if anybody can."


Rowan was sent for and given a letter to be delivered to Garcia. How "the fellow by the name of Rowan" took the letter, sealed it up in an oil-skin pouch, strapped it over his heart, in four days landed by night off the coast of Cuba from an open boat, disappeared into the jungle, & in three weeks came out on the other side of the Island, having traversed a hostile country on foot, and delivered his letter to Garcia, are things I have no special desire now to tell in detail.


The point I wish to make is this: McKinley gave Rowan a letter to be delivered to Garcia; Rowan took the letter and did not ask, "Where is he at?" By the Eternal! there is a man whose form should be cast in deathless bronze and the statue placed in every college of the land. It is not book-learning young men need, nor instruction about this and that, but a stiffening of the vertebrae which will cause them to be loyal to a trust, to act promptly, concentrate their energies: do the thing- "Carry a message to Garcia!"


General Garcia is dead now, but there are other Garcias.


No man, who has endeavored to carry out an enterprise where many hands were needed, but has been well nigh appalled at times by the imbecility of the average man- the inability or unwillingness to concentrate on a thing and do it. Slip-shod assistance, foolish inattention, dowdy indifference, & half-hearted work seem the rule; and no man succeeds, unless by hook or crook, or threat, he forces or bribes other men to assist him; or mayhap, God in His goodness performs a miracle, & sends him an Angel of Light for an assistant. You, reader, put this matter to a test: You are sitting now in your office- six clerks are within call.


Summon any one and make this request: "Please look in the encyclopedia and make a brief memorandum for me concerning the life of Correggio".


Will the clerk quietly say, "Yes, sir," and go do the task?


On your life, he will not. He will look at you out of a fishy eye and ask one or more of the following questions:


Who was he?


Which encyclopedia?


Where is the encyclopedia?


Was I hired for that?


Don’t you mean Bismarck?


What’s the matter with Charlie doing it?


Is he dead?


Is there any hurry?


Shan’t I bring you the book and let you look it up yourself?


What do you want to know for?


And I will lay you ten to one that after you have answered the questions, and explained how to find the information, and why you want it, the clerk will go off and get one of the other clerks to help him try to find Garcia- and then come back and tell you there is no such man. Of course I may lose my bet, but according to the Law of Average, I will not.


Now if you are wise you will not bother to explain to your "assistant" that Correggio is indexed under the C’s, not in the K’s, but you will smile sweetly and say, "Never mind," and go look it up yourself.


And this incapacity for independent action, this moral stupidity, this infirmity of the will, this unwillingness to cheerfully catch hold and lift, are the things that put pure Socialism so far into the future. If men will not act for themselves, what will they do when the benefit of their effort is for all? A first-mate with knotted club seems necessary; and the dread of getting "the bounce" Saturday night, holds many a worker to his place.


Advertise for a stenographer, and nine out of ten who apply, can neither spell nor punctuate- and do not think it necessary to.


Can such a one write a letter to Garcia?


"You see that bookkeeper," said the foreman to me in a large factory.


"Yes, what about him?"


"Well he’s a fine accountant, but if I’d send him up town on an errand, he might accomplish the errand all right, and on the other hand, might stop at four saloons on the way, and when he got to Main Street, would forget what he had been sent for."


Can such a man be entrusted to carry a message to Garcia?


We have recently been hearing much maudlin sympathy expressed for the "downtrodden denizen of the sweat-shop" and the "homeless wanderer searching for honest employment," & with it all often go many hard words for the men in power.


Nothing is said about the employer who grows old before his time in a vain attempt to get frowsy ne’er-do-wells to do intelligent work; and his long patient striving with "help" that does nothing but loaf when his back is turned. In every store and factory there is a constant weeding-out process going on. The employer is constantly sending away "help" that have shown their incapacity to further the interests of the business, and others are being taken on. No matter how good times are, this sorting continues, only if times are hard and work is scarce, the sorting is done finer- but out and forever out, the incompetent and unworthy go.


It is the survival of the fittest. Self-interest prompts every employer to keep the best- those who can carry a message to Garcia.


I know one man of really brilliant parts who has not the ability to manage a business of his own, and yet who is absolutely worthless to any one else, because he carries with him constantly the insane suspicion that his employer is oppressing, or intending to oppress him. He cannot give orders; and he will not receive them. Should a message be given him to take to Garcia, his answer would probably be, "Take it yourself."


Tonight this man walks the streets looking for work, the wind whistling through his threadbare coat. No one who knows him dare employ him, for he is a regular fire-brand of discontent. He is impervious to reason, and the only thing that can impress him is the toe of a thick-soled No. 9 boot.

Of course I know that one so morally deformed is no less to be pitied than a physical cripple; but in our pitying, let us drop a tear, too, for the men who are striving to carry on a great enterprise, whose working hours are not limited by the whistle, and whose hair is fast turning white through the struggle to hold in line dowdy indifference, slip-shod imbecility, and the heartless ingratitude, which, but for their enterprise, would be both hungry & homeless.


Have I put the matter too strongly? Possibly I have; but when all the world has gone a-slumming I wish to speak a word of sympathy for the man who succeeds- the man who, against great odds has directed the efforts of others, and having succeeded, finds there’s nothing in it: nothing but bare board and clothes.


I have carried a dinner pail & worked for day’s wages, and I have also been an employer of labor, and I know there is something to be said on both sides. There is no excellence, per se, in poverty; rags are no recommendation; & all employers are not rapacious and high-handed, any more than all poor men are virtuous.


My heart goes out to the man who does his work when the "boss" is away, as well as when he is at home. And the man who, when given a letter for Garcia, quietly take the missive, without asking any idiotic questions, and with no lurking intention of chucking it into the nearest sewer, or of doing aught else but deliver it, never gets "laid off," nor has to go on a strike for higher wages. Civilization is one long anxious search for just such individuals. Anything such a man asks shall be granted; his kind is so rare that no employer can afford to let him go. He is wanted in every city, town and village- in every office, shop, store and factory. The world cries out for such: he is needed, & needed badly- the man who can carry a message to Garcia.


THE END-